Episode 46: Dear Pharmaceutical Commercial Producers

This is our letter to the Pharmaceutical Commercial Producers. We hope that you find the comical satire in our letters and stay tuned for more letters to come.

Legal Disclaimer: The following letter is a work of satire and comedy. All names, events, and scenarios are fictionalized for humorous purposes and are not intended to be taken as factual statements. 

READ THE LETTER - EPISODE 46 - Dear Pharmaceutical Commercial Producers

Dear Pharmaceutical Commercial Producers,

 

Thank you.

 

No, really, thank you for making every commercial break feel like a dystopian bingo game of imaginary diseases and catastrophic side effects.

 

We just wanted to sit down, enjoy our tacos, and watch a rerun of a crime show where someone doesn’t mysteriously bleed from their eyeballs. But nope, here you come, floating across a meadow with soft piano music and a voiceover that calmly warns us that this pill “may cause suicidal thoughts, liver damage, loss of hearing, spontaneous nose flares, intense flatulence, or death.” But hey, at least our seasonal eczema might improve slightly.

 

Your commercials are truly masterpieces of psychological manipulation.

 

You show a couple kayaking peacefully, wind in their hair, dog barking happily in the background, meanwhile, the narrator is calmly listing enough side effects to qualify as a medieval torture scroll. One minute it’s sunshine and yoga, the next it’s “call your doctor if your legs detach unexpectedly.”

 

Also, we’ve noticed you love inventing diseases we never knew existed.

 

“Restless ear syndrome”?

“Mild toe discomfort disorder”?

“Social fingernail fatigue”?

 

By the end of the ad, we’re convinced we have all of them, and we need your new miracle drug priced somewhere between a used Honda and a down payment on a home.

 

And let's not forget how often we’re told to “ask our doctor.”

 

As if our overbooked, burnt-out primary care physician wants to hear about the drug we saw sandwiched between cat food and injury lawyer ads.

 

You’ve somehow managed to turn hypochondria into a marketing strategy.

 

So, here’s to you, the puppeteers of false hope, masters of dramatized suffering, and champions of fine print.

 

Thanks for making us all terrified of our own digestive systems while simultaneously convincing us we need your patented cure for “mild life inconvenience.”

 

Sincerely Savage,
The Side-Effect Survivors of America

 

P.S. Please consider making a commercial for a drug that reduces the urge to scream every time we hear, “If you or a loved one has taken…”

 

Legal Disclaimer: The following letter is a work of satire and comedy. All names, events, and scenarios are fictionalized for humorous purposes and are not intended to be taken as factual statements.