Episode 39: Dear Conspiracy Theorists Who Think the Government is Trying to Kill Them

This is our letter to Conspiracy Theorists Who Think the Government is Trying to Kill Them. We hope that you find the comical satire in our letters and stay tuned for more letters to come.

Legal Disclaimer: The following letter is a work of satire and comedy. All names, events, and scenarios are fictionalized for humorous purposes and are not intended to be taken as factual statements. 

READ THE LETTER - EPISODE 39 - Dear Conspiracy Theorists Who Think the Government is Trying to Kill Them

Dear Conspiracy Theorists Who Think the Government is Trying to Kill Them,

 

It must be exhausting waking up every morning, brushing your teeth (careful, fluoride!), and dodging the 19 assassination plots you believe are hidden between your cereal box and your Wi-Fi router.

 

We’re truly amazed by your bravery, not against "them," but against basic logic. Every coffee spill, every allergy, every stubbed toe: obviously an elite global cabal targeting you personally. Because yes, the most powerful institutions in the world are definitely laser-focused on... the guy in a basement streaming six-hour rants from an Acer laptop made in 2008.

 

You’ve weaponized fear like an Olympic sport. Congratulations, if Olympic-level paranoia were real, you'd all have gold medals hanging next to your “wake up sheeple” bumper stickers.

 

Look, no one denies that governments have done shady, underhanded things. History is littered with real examples: wars started under false pretenses, surveillance on innocent people, and shady medical experiments.

 

Absolutely.

But confusing "there have been some conspiracies" with "everything, everywhere, all the time, is a conspiracy" is like finding a typo in a dictionary and declaring English is a made-up language.

 

Also, if the government really wanted to get rid of people en masse, they wouldn’t leave clues in Simpsons episodes or spray mind-control agents from commercial jets.

They would just raise your cholesterol levels through subsidized fast food, and guess what, they already did that decades ago. No secret decoder ring needed.

 

You aren’t Neo dodging bullets in the Matrix. You're that guy standing in line at Burger King, wondering if the sesame seeds are microchipped.

 

In reality, the people running things aren't Bond villains. They're middle-aged bureaucrats who can barely fix potholes, balance budgets, or log into their work email without calling IT.

 

You're not the hero in a dystopian novel. You're a stressed-out background character refusing to admit that sometimes bad things happen because of incompetence, not malevolent interdimensional lizard overlords.

 

But hey, never change. Your complete inability to distinguish between “healthy skepticism” and “compulsive delusion” gives the rest of us great entertainment during lunch breaks.

 

Stay alert. Stay paranoid. And remember: if the government was really coming for you, you wouldn’t even know it.

 

Sincerely Savage,
A Fellow Citizen Just Trying to Order a Pizza Without Thinking It's a Code for Human Trafficking

 

P.S. Yes, your phone listens to you. It’s called advertising algorithms. It’s not a conspiracy; it’s capitalism. Stop making it weird.

 

Legal Disclaimer: The following letter is a work of satire and comedy. All names, events, and scenarios are fictionalized for humorous purposes and are not intended to be taken as factual statements.