Episode 31: Dear People Who Say “We’re Like a Family” at Work While Paying $13 an Hour

This is our letter to the People Who Say “We’re Like a Family” at Work While Paying $13 an Hour. We hope that you find the comical satire in our letters and stay tuned for more letters to come.

Legal Disclaimer: The following letter is a work of satire and comedy. All names, events, and scenarios are fictionalized for humorous purposes and are not intended to be taken as factual statements. 

READ THE LETTER - EPISODE 31 - Dear People Who Say “We’re Like a Family” at Work While Paying $13 an Hour

Dear People Who Say “We’re Like a Family” at Work While Paying $13 an Hour,

 

You’re right.

This is just like a family, a wildly dysfunctional one where your rich uncle hoards all the money, your manager gaslights you, and “praise” comes in the form of a $5 Starbucks card during “Employee Appreciation Week.”

 

You sit us down in a mandatory morning meeting, flash that PowerPoint full of stock photos and vague “core values,” and say, “Here, we’re more than coworkers; we’re a family.”

 

That’s rich.

 

Literally.

 

Because while you’re out here throwing around words like “loyalty,” “sacrifice,” and “team spirit,” we’re just wondering if we can afford rent, gas, and food in the same week without turning this “family” into a true crime documentary.

 

Let’s be clear:

Families don’t offer “exposure” instead of raises.

Families don’t tell you to "push through burnout" because “Q4 projections are looking spicy.”

Families don’t give you a “fun-size” bonus after you made the company a quarter million dollars in profit.

What you really mean is:
“We’re like a family… if your dad micromanaged your bathroom breaks, and your aunt Karen told HR you cried once.”

 

Because if we’re being honest, this workplace-family fantasy only seems to work in one direction. You expect loyalty, overnights, and unpaid emotional labor, but when we ask for an extra sick day or $15/hour, suddenly you “have to run it by corporate.”

 

Where was “family” when the health insurance coverage shrank but the CEO’s office got a third espresso machine?

 

Where was “family” when someone worked through their grandmother’s funeral and didn’t even get a “thank you,” just a passive-aggressive “glad you’re back”?

 

So, here’s a revolutionary thought:

If you want to act like a family, start paying like one that actually cares.
Offer livable wages. Real benefits. Mental health days. Respect. Autonomy. A coffee machine that doesn’t double as a social experiment in despair.

 

Or, and hear us out, just be honest.

Say, “We’re a company. We pay you to work. We’d love for you to enjoy your time here, but we understand you have a life outside of it.”

Now that would be the healthiest family dynamic we’ve seen in a while.

 

Sincerely Savage,
Your Workplace “Cousin” Who’s Quiet Quitting This Conversation

 

Legal Disclaimer: The following letter is a work of satire and comedy. All names, events, and scenarios are fictionalized for humorous purposes and are not intended to be taken as factual statements.