Episode 26: Dear Billion-Dollar Companies Still Paying Minimum Wage

This is our letter to the Billion-Dollar Companies Still Paying Minimum Wage. We hope that you find the comical satire in our letters and stay tuned for more letters to come.

Legal Disclaimer: The following letter is a work of satire and comedy. All names, events, and scenarios are fictionalized for humorous purposes and are not intended to be taken as factual statements.

READ THE LETTER - EPISODE 26 - Dear Billion-Dollar Companies Still Paying Minimum Wage

Dear Billion-Dollar Companies Still Paying Minimum Wage,

 

You did it.

 

You built an empire, scaled global markets, and crushed the competition, and somehow still decided that paying your employees $8.75 an hour is a reasonable “investment in human capital.”

 

Truly iconic.

 

Because nothing says “We care about our people” like a paycheck that can’t cover rent, food, gas, and the rising cost of just being alive. But hey, thank you for the pizza party last Friday. That slice of pepperoni really softened the blow of my light bill disconnection.

 

And I must say, I love the corporate logic:

“Record-breaking profits? Stock buybacks? Bonuses for the C-suite? Absolutely!”

“Raises for the workers keeping the lights on? Hmm… that’s just not in the budget.”

 

Totally makes sense. Why invest in the people running the registers, cleaning the floors, stocking the shelves, or managing three departments at once when you could throw another billion at a Super Bowl ad featuring a talking llama and a hashtag?

 

Also, can we talk about your job postings?
“Must be available 24/7, lift 75 pounds, smile through abuse, work weekends and holidays, start at $11/hour, no benefits, no growth, but we offer a fun, fast-paced environment!”

 

Sir… This isn’t a job posting. It’s a cry for help with a logo on it.

 

And yet, somehow, you always find your way to the PR circuit with a shiny new campaign about “values,” “community,” and “putting people first.” If by “people,” you mean shareholders and the occasional LinkedIn humblebrag, then yes, you’re doing a phenomenal job.

 

So, here’s a thought: if your company can’t survive while paying workers a living wage, maybe your business model isn’t “innovative”; maybe it’s just exploitative in a PowerPoint.

 

And if you can afford it, and let’s be honest, you absolutely can and still don’t? Then you're not running a company. You’re running a modern-day serfdom with better branding.

 

Anyway, I have to go now. My shift starts in an hour, and it takes 40 minutes just to psych myself up for the existential dread of being undervalued in a polyester polo.

 

Thanks for everything.

Really.

Especially the 15% off coupon, I can’t afford to use.

 

Sincerely Savage,
One of the millions keeping your empire standing, barely

 

Legal Disclaimer: The following letter is a work of satire and comedy. All names, events, and scenarios are fictionalized for humorous purposes and are not intended to be taken as factual statements.