Episode 24: Dear Influencers Selling Wellness Teas That Cure Everything
C MThis is our letter to the Influencers Selling Wellness Teas That Cure Everything. We hope that you find the comical satire in our letters and stay tuned for more letters to come.
Legal Disclaimer: The following letter is a work of satire and comedy. All names, events, and scenarios are fictionalized for humorous purposes and are not intended to be taken as factual statements.
READ THE LETTER - EPISODE 24 - Dear Influencers Selling Wellness Teas That Cure Everything
Dear Influencers Selling Wellness Teas That Cure Everything,
Thank you for finally solving every human problem with just one link in bio, a discount code, and a blurry before-and-after photo.
For centuries, doctors, scientists, and mental health professionals have been doing things the hard way: years of research, clinical trials, and boring things like facts. But you, with your perfect lighting and your “just woke up like this” hair, have found the real answer:
Tea.
Not just any tea, but a magical brew that promises to detox my liver, flatten my stomach, clear my skin, cure my anxiety, pay off my credit cards, fix my relationship with my dad, and probably throw in a free spiritual awakening on day seven.
Amazing.
And let’s not forget how you discovered this miracle: likely right after a 20-minute sponsorship call and a free box shipped to your doorstep, which, by the way, you sipped once, posted a boomerang, and then forgot existed.
You didn’t even finish the tea. It’s sitting in your kitchen next to the collagen gummies and your unused gym membership.
Also, I love how your testimonials are always “inspiring,” as in, loosely photoshopped screenshots from Karen in Ohio saying she lost 15 pounds and “found herself” after three mugs and a vision board.
And of course, we trust you. Why wouldn’t we? You clearly have a background in nutrition, biochemistry, and spiritual healing… if we count that one online certificate from the University of Canva Templates.
Meanwhile, we’re just trying to get through the day without side effects like nausea, fatigue, or the sudden urge to spend $85 on herbs that smell like a lawn clipping smoothie.
So, here’s my official response:
No, I will not be drinking your magic tea. No, I do not want your 10% off code. And no, I do not believe your glowing skin is from plants and not from a face filter named “Heavenly Glow 3000.”
But thanks for the offer. Really.
Next time you want to save humanity, maybe start with honesty, not hibiscus.
Sincerely Savage,
A human with a liver, a brain, and access to Google
Legal Disclaimer: The following letter is a work of satire and comedy. All names, events, and scenarios are fictionalized for humorous purposes and are not intended to be taken as factual statements.