Episode 23: Dear Billionaires Trying to Colonize Space While Earth Burns

This is our letter to the Billionaires Trying to Colonize Space While Earth Burns. We hope that you find the comical satire in our letters and stay tuned for more letters to come.

Legal Disclaimer: The following letter is a work of satire and comedy. All names, events, and scenarios are fictionalized for humorous purposes and are not intended to be taken as factual statements. 

READ THE LETTER - EPISODE 23 - Dear Billionaires Trying to Colonize Space While Earth Burns

Dear Billionaires Trying to Colonize Space While Earth Burns,

 

First off, congratulations.

 

You’ve officially beaten childhood dreams, sci-fi nerds, and NASA itself in the race to Mars. All it took was unfathomable wealth, zero regulation, and an almost charming disregard for the planet you're currently standing on.

 

But let’s get something straight: colonizing other planets isn’t a flex when you haven’t even figured out how to manage the one you’re currently trashing.

 

You're pouring billions into space hotels, lunar real estate, and Martian Wi-Fi, while back on Earth, we've got people choosing between groceries and rent, forests catching fire like it's a TikTok trend, and oceans that are basically soup now.

 

Quick question: who exactly do you think is going to move to Mars with you? The rest of us? Oh, no, no, no. See, we’ve read the fine print. You’re building a space neighborhood with HOA rules and luxury pods, not refugee housing. This isn’t “Interstellar.” It’s “Gated Communities: Galactic Edition.”

 

And let’s be honest, you're not trying to “save humanity.” You’re trying to save yourselves from humanity. You made a mess here, and your solution is to yeet yourselves off the planet like it's a bad Tinder date.

 

Here’s a wild idea: what if you took a fraction of that money and invested in Earth’s problems? Clean water, education, food systems, climate tech; you know, boring stuff that actually helps people. But I get it. It’s not as sexy as a zero-gravity photo op in your billionaire jumpsuit.

 

Also, shoutout to the irony: you refuse to pay taxes down here, but the second you get to space, you're talking about forming a new government. Sir… Is it going to be a democracy, an oligarchy, or just Space Amazon?

 

Final thought: if you're really dead-set on leaving, could you please take a few things with you? Start with HOA boards, influencer dogs, anyone who says “hustle harder” before 6 a.m., and that one guy who still thinks crypto is going to save us.

 

Thanks in advance. We’ll try not to burn the planet down while you're gone. No promises.

 

Warmest regards, (literally, thanks, climate change),
Earth’s Remaining Rent-Paying Residents

 

Legal Disclaimer: The following letter is a work of satire and comedy. All names, events, and scenarios are fictionalized for humorous purposes and are not intended to be taken as factual statements.