Episode 21: Dear Home Insurance Companies

This is our letter to the Home Insurance Companies. We hope that you find the comical satire in our letters and stay tuned for more letters to come.

Legal Disclaimer: The following letter is a work of satire and comedy. All names, events, and scenarios are fictionalized for humorous purposes and are not intended to be taken as factual statements. 

READ THE LETTER - EPISODE 21 - Dear Home Insurance Companies

Dear Home Insurance Companies,

 

Congratulations.

 

You’ve somehow pulled off the ultimate magic trick in modern finance: charging Americans thousands per year to “protect” their homes, only to vanish like Houdini the moment disaster strikes.

 

Year after year, you've enjoyed record-breaking profits, gleefully collecting premiums from loyal homeowners. But let one storm roll in, a pipe burst, or a tree sneeze too hard on a roof, and suddenly it's a “complicated claims process.”

 

Funny how it's always complicated when it's time for you to pay.

 

Let’s not forget your favorite party trick, dropping customers after decades of on-time payments, with barely a notice and rarely a reason.

 

"We’ve reassessed risk," you say. Translation: “We noticed people are actually using their coverage, and we’d rather not.”

 

Especially in places like Florida and California, where people aren’t even filing claims anymore, just being dropped en masse like they're a bad date you ghosted after dinner. Hundreds of thousands were left scrambling, not because they did something wrong, but because you ran the numbers and didn’t like the odds anymore.

 

Even better? Some of you are still increasing premiums while dropping coverage. That’s like quitting your job but still asking for a raise. Bold move.

 

And when people do make a claim? The real fun begins:

• Endless paperwork.
• Delays that make the DMV look like NASCAR.
• Adjusters who show up like bounty hunters looking for fraud, not facts.
• And offers so low, homeowners are left wondering if they accidentally signed up for a scratch-off ticket instead of a policy.

 

But hey, nothing says customer service like telling someone whose roof blew off in a hurricane that it's “wear and tear.” Bravo.

 

So, thank you, home insurance overlords, for reminding us that your business model isn’t built on protection but precision; a perfectly calibrated system to collect as much as possible while paying out as little as legally permissible.

 

We get it. You're not in the business of helping homeowners. You're in the business of helping shareholders.

 

Sincerely Savage,
Every Homeowner Who’s Paid You Like a Second Mortgage

 

P.S. Don’t worry—when the next natural disaster hits, we know you’ll be there... with a new excuse.

 

Legal Disclaimer: The following letter is a work of satire and comedy. All names, events, and scenarios are fictionalized for humorous purposes and are not intended to be taken as factual statements.