Episode 18: Dear ESG Overlords

This is our letter to the ESG Overlords. We hope that you find the comical satire in our letters and stay tuned for more letters to come.

Legal Disclaimer: The following letter is a work of satire and comedy. All names, events, and scenarios are fictionalized for humorous purposes and are not intended to be taken as factual statements. 

READ THE LETTER - EPISODE 18 - Dear ESG Overlords

Dear ESG Overlords,

 

Thank you—truly—for making the words "environmental," "social," and "governance" sound like they belong in a Bond villain's mission statement.

 

You’ve taken what could’ve been a genuine effort to clean up corporations and turned it into a dystopian checkbox circus—where massive conglomerates get gold stars for posting rainbow logos on social media, while simultaneously strip-mining half the planet and outsourcing labor to countries with the human rights record of a Bond villain’s lair.

 

Seriously, it’s amazing.

Oil companies are ESG-compliant now.
Weapon manufacturers are ESG-approved.

Somehow Nestlé, Amazon, and JP Morgan get ESG pats on the back, while independent farmers, small businesses, and actual ethical entrepreneurs get left out because they didn’t hire a DEI consultant and a carbon offset middleman.

 

Let’s talk scorecards.

You turned morality into a spreadsheet.

Want to save the world? Just plant a few trees, host a gender workshop, and pay a firm in Switzerland to say you’re “net zero” by 2040—even if your product is plastic and your supply chain is powered by child labor and diesel fumes.

 

Oh, and the best part?

You tied it all to investment ratings.

So now, if a company doesn’t tick the right “social” boxes, they lose access to capital—even if they’re making food, jobs, or clean water.
Meanwhile, hedge funds pretending to care about polar bears get unlimited cash flow from your virtue vending machine.

 

It’s like ethical blackmail with a glossy brochure.

 

But hey, thanks to ESG, we now live in a world where:

• Oil is bad—unless it's in a wind turbine supply chain.
• Coal is evil—unless you're China.
• Transparency is important—unless you're BlackRock.

 

You’ve officially replaced merit, performance, and innovation with diversity audits, carbon calculators, and governance buzzwords. And somehow, the rich got richer while the rest of us get ESG compliance training in between layoffs.

 

So, from the bottom of our ESG-non-compliant hearts:

Thanks for saving the world… on paper.

We can’t wait for your next round of climate goals, stakeholder equity initiatives, and PowerPoint slides full of “equitable frameworks” that somehow never apply to the people actually doing the work.

 

Sincerely Savage,
A Free Society That’s Still Waiting for the Freedom Part

 

P.S. Could you add “common sense” to the next ESG metric? Just for laughs?

 

Legal Disclaimer: The following letter is a work of satire and comedy. All names, events, and scenarios are fictionalized for humorous purposes and are not intended to be taken as factual statements.