Episode 17: Dear Bill Gates

This is our letter to Bill Gates. We hope that you find the comical satire in our letters and stay tuned for more letters to come.

Legal Disclaimer: The following letter is a work of satire and comedy. All names, events, and scenarios are fictionalized for humorous purposes and are not intended to be taken as factual statements. 

READ THE LETTER - EPISODE 17 - Dear Bill Gates

Dear Bill Gates,

 

You started off as the king of Ctrl+Alt+Delete…

And now here you are, controlling the Ctrl+Alt+Wheat.

 

Bravo, really.

 

You’ve come a long way from Clippy and blue screens of death to becoming the largest private farmland owner in the United States.
A natural transition, obviously.

 

When most billionaires buy yachts, you said:

“Nah—I’ll just buy America’s food supply instead.”

 

We love a good pivot.

 

Now, we get it. Nothing says “philanthropy” like owning 275,000+ acres of farmland while promoting synthetic meat, genetically engineered crops, and food tracking systems that sound like something from a dystopian Netflix original.

 

And sure, you're big on sustainability, but somehow that still means putting real farmers out of business, injecting tech into every tomato, and letting multinational chemical companies “partner” on your land like it's Farmville: Surveillance Edition.

 

Let’s not ignore the real genius here:
Preach climate change. Buy up farmland. Push lab-grown food. Invest in the companies making it.

That’s not a food system; that’s a feedback loop powered by stock dividends.

And we’d be remiss if we didn’t mention your love affair with “climate-friendly” solutions like carbon credits and mosquito-releasing drones.

 

Because nothing says environmental hero like controlling carbon and crops from the same dashboard.

 

Oh—and just for fun, you’ve also thrown your weight behind global vaccine campaigns, digital ID programs, and land conservation. It’s almost like you’re playing SimCity… except it’s real life, and no one gave you permission to be mayor.

 

We’re just wondering:
If you control the land, the food supply, the seed patents, the lab meat, and the “sustainable solutions”…

Who controls you?

 

(Asking for a few hundred million people.)

 

Sincerely Savage,
The Humans You Forgot to Include in Your Sustainability Models

 

P.S. We tried making one of those Beyond Burgers you invested in… but our soul rejected it before our stomach could.

 

Legal Disclaimer: The following letter is a work of satire and comedy. All names, events, and scenarios are fictionalized for humorous purposes and are not intended to be taken as factual statements.