Episode 16: Dear Nestlé

This is our letter to Nestlé. We hope that you find the comical satire in our letters and stay tuned for more letters to come.

Legal Disclaimer: The following letter is a work of satire and comedy. All names, events, and scenarios are fictionalized for humorous purposes and are not intended to be taken as factual statements. 

READ THE LETTER - EPISODE 16 - Dear Nestlé

Dear Nestlé,

 

Just wanted to drop you a quick note to say thank you—for redefining what it means to be a multinational supervillain with a candy coating. 

 

Truly, it takes a special kind of company to sell bottled water, baby formula, and moral bankruptcy in over 190 countries.

 

Let’s start with the water thing, shall we?

 

Because who doesn't love a feel-good story about a $300 billion corporation draining aquifers in drought-ridden towns for $200 a year, slapping it into plastic bottles, and selling it back to the people for $2.99 a pop?

You guys really said:

 

"Water isn’t a human right… unless it’s bottled, branded, and marked up 4,000%."

 

Inspirational stuff, really.

 

And how could we forget your baby formula legacy?

Few companies can say they encouraged mothers in developing nations to ditch breastfeeding in favor of powdered formula they had to mix with contaminated water they couldn’t afford to boil. But Nestlé? You trailblazed that one decade ago.

 

We give you an A+ for consistency in questionable ethics!

 

Now, about your products:

You somehow manage to fill 90% of supermarket shelves with items that contain more sugar than a Southern grandma's kitchen—and still claim to care about global health. The cognitive dissonance is honestly impressive.

 

You're like a Bond villain, but with cartoon mascots and holiday commercials.

• Rainforests destroyed for cocoa? No big deal.
• Child labor allegations in your chocolate supply chain? We’ll get to that... someday.
• Plastic pollution filling oceans? Eh, let's sponsor a beach cleanup and call it even.

And let’s be real—when even WATER becomes a line item in your conquest of the planet, it’s not capitalism anymore.

 

It’s hydrated colonialism.

 

But hey, you do make a mean Crunch bar. And nothing goes better with that than a cold bottle of ethically murky spring water sourced from the heart of someone else's ecosystem.

 

Sincerely Savage,
Everyone who's not on your executive board

 

P.S. We’d write more, but we just read the ingredients on one of your granola bars and had to sit down. We didn’t know you could fit 47 types of corn syrup in a 2-inch rectangle.

 

Legal Disclaimer: The following letter is a work of satire and comedy. All names, events, and scenarios are fictionalized for humorous purposes and are not intended to be taken as factual statements.