Episode 15: Dear Monsanto

This is our letter to Monsanto. We hope that you find the comical satire in our letters and stay tuned for more letters to come.

Legal Disclaimer: The following letter is a work of satire and comedy. All names, events, and scenarios are fictionalized for humorous purposes and are not intended to be taken as factual statements.

READ THE LETTER - EPISODE 15 - Dear Monsanto

Dear Monsanto (or whatever you're calling yourselves now—hi Bayer),

 

First of all, congratulations on the greatest corporate rebrand since Philip Morris became “Altria.” Changing your name doesn't technically erase decades of controversy—but hey, A+ for effort.

 

Let’s cut to the GMO chase.

 

We just wanted to write a heartfelt thank you for all that you’ve done for modern agriculture, small farmers, and food security—by which we mean suing small farmers, buying legislators like collectible cards, and patenting life like you’re God with a legal department.

 

Honestly, we’re impressed.

You managed to turn “feeding the world” into a multi-billion dollar game of Monopoly—where the only things growing are profit margins and superweeds.

 

You’ve successfully engineered crops that can withstand nuclear winter, floods, droughts, and apparently… accountability. Meanwhile, bees and butterflies mysteriously vanish like your PR ethics department.

 

Let’s not forget your beloved product, glyphosate—better known as Roundup.

The only weed killer with its own legal defense team.

 

Now, we know you insist glyphosate is safe. Which is fascinating, because your courtroom settlements suggest otherwise. Hundreds of millions in payouts later, and somehow, you're still shocked people might not want their corn with a side of probable carcinogen.

 

You’ve done wonders for scientific skepticism. You took something as beautiful as “genetically modified organisms” and made it synonymous with lawsuits, lobbyists, and lab coats that smell like money.

 

And that’s just the tip of the toxic iceberg:

• Strong-arming farmers into contracts they can't get out of.
• Suing people when your seeds accidentally blow onto their land.
• Pushing policies that make it harder for actual organic or small-scale growers to survive.

Basically, you’ve made food political, farming monopolistic, and trust in science about as stable as a TikTok trend.

 

So, thank you, Monsanto.

For reminding us that “feeding the world” isn’t the goal—controlling the menu is.

We just hope Bayer remembered to include moral responsibility in the merger.

(Not that we're holding our breath. Too many chemicals in the air.)

 

Sincerely Savage,
The People You Forgot to Consider in Your Lab Simulations

 

P.S. Could you maybe create a GMO tomato that tastes like a real tomato next time? Asking for literally everyone.